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"what i really want" by Vladyslava Manuilenko

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January 15th, 2026

what i really want

by Vladyslava Manuilenko

relapsed on life.
went on my weak knees
for that pink light, 
caved to the pulse,
sated my impulse.
 
i wanted to be better
for a month –
i could only last 
one february's worth
of miserable time.
 
no fist on chest this time
no blood-red pelt
no blushing dishonor 
just the quiet shame 
of wanting. 
 
questions go unanswered 
even once you relapse:
does it get better? 
ask god 
get off my case
 
take your stone hand 
off my neck,
pick up the pieces 
of you from before,
make a new phantom. 
 
words go unsaid 
even in prayer:
i want to be better. 
no, of course i don't.
i would never say that.

About the Poet
Vladyslava Manuilenko resides in Vienna, Austria.
Read the poet's biography and Under 25 Poetry publications on Vladyslava Manuilenko's Artist Page.

Under 25 Poetry Collection
This poem is also featured in Under 25 Poetry Collection #1, published in the Under 25 Poetry Library.

Keywords: relapse, being better, wanting

Previously published in Under 25 Poetry Europe:
This is the first poem published.

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